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By Zak Kertesz

Sony Creative Software Inc.


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Shaq is the ass taster

Photo by Tim Heitman

----As the old superman looks for his cape, the new one is flying the skies, preparing for game two of the NBA Finals.  Whereas Dwight Howard should be studying film with the “Master of Panic,” Shaquille O’Neal should be rescinding all of his ridiculous comments.


Shaq has been well known for his hysterically harmless remarks. But as he has aged (so has his humor), his comments have taken a detrimental turn. Not only has The Bigfriendly altered his image with such tastelessness, his comments have now been deemed as wisdom-less crap.

“[Stan Van Gundy’s] a master of panic and when it gets time for his team to get into the postseason [yada yada yada] he will let them down because of his panic,” Shaq said, as reported in The Orlando Sentinel.

Um, I’m a little bit confused here, but isn’t Stan the Man still in the postseason? Hasn’t his team already defeated an athletically scrappy ‘Sixers team, a devoted reigning champion (Boston) and a team that has a player whom most proclaim as The King (Cleveland)? Indeed, he has.

Most so-called journalists wrote off Stan in the Boston series; all of those same scribes gave Stan no chance against King James (except I, which has been repeatedly stressed in passed articles). And everyone else in the sporting world states that the Lakers will win in “three.” Three? Even if Stan does lose in three, I’m pretty sure that he has far surpassed the tarot card readings of Shaqaprophet.

That was just the appetizing sample of the unprofessionalism displayed by Shaquille. Now let’s showcase the main course of Shaq’s archives.

In his infamous freestyle rap, originally aired by, Shaq reiterated the lines, “You know how I be — Last week Kobe couldn’t do without me.” Oh really Shaquille, well this week Kobe is doing just fine. He’s about to win the NBA finals (without you) in only three games! And Shaq, you’ve never won a seven game series in just three games. So who’s tasting ass now? I think it’s you Shaq. I think it’s you. ..

...Just to key everybody in, in that same rap, Shaq proclaimed, “Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes.” Well Shaq, I think you need to tell Kobe how his ass tastes. And while you’re at it, take a look at Mr. GQ himself, Stan Van Gundy (actually he’s in Esquire, but that’s a whole other article in itself) and tell him how his ass tastes. And then go taste Dwight Howard’s ass and Phil Jackson’s ass (whom Shaq has publicly criticized as well).

I don’t even know what that means: to taste someone’s ass? Nor do I want to know…Okay, enough, I’m getting grossed out here with all this ass tasting, as I assume you are as well. But I didn’t bring all this about, The Bigfriendly did:

Shaq insists that all of his comments were just marketing ploys. And yes, we all know how successfully Shaq has marketed himself over the years. But we also all know how emotional The Bigsensitive is. And emotion usually derives from some sort of truth.

Pointing out just another example of his agreeable aura, Shaquille has always criticized someone for flopping (ie: Vlade Divac), because he himself is not a flopper. Well, The Bigsensitive may now be deemed as The Bighypocrite.

In a bout between declining and rising superheroes, Shaq flopped. He flopped! And he admitted it too, but merely to further criticize Stan. “I realized that that play [Shaq’s flop against Dwight Howard] reminded me of [Van Gundy’s] whole coaching career,” Shaq stated, as reported by ESPN. In boxing, they call that a rabbit punch.

But when has Van Gundy flopped? He took a young Miami Heat team to the second round of the playoffs in his first year as a head coach. In his second year, he took that same team (with the addition of The Bigfriendly) to the Eastern Conference Finals; only a Dwyane Wade rib injury away from the NBA Finals. And after being booted out by Giorgio Armani (Pat Riley), here he is now, contending for the ultimate prize in the sport of basketball.

So as we recollect upon the brilliantly ethical quotations of Shaquille O’Neal, we come to the realization of why Shaq does what he does. He is jealous. Jealous of Dwight Howard’s youth, jealous of Kobe’s abiding spotlight and most apparent, jealous of Stan Van Gundy’s Esquire status.

Regardless of the winner of this year’s NBA Finals, the loser is clear. The loser is Shaq. Shaq is the flopper, Shaq is the ass taster and Shaq is no longer the Superman.