Albert Shamesworth

Photo by Kevin Cox

----It is a feeling of remorse.  A natural inclination.  A censor of stupidity.  It is...shame.  And Albert Haynesworth is absent of it.

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Shame eludes him.

Such elusion prompts for his inexcusable antics.  The failure to feel shame impels for his unbearable buffoonery.  He needs shame.  He needs to feel shame.  He needs to feel ashamed of himself.

He ought to be ashamed of himself.

He ought to be ashamed of himself for not feeling shame.

He ought to be ashamed of himself for dishonoring every aspect of his $100 million contract.  Yet, indubitably, he still honored the acceptance of the $100 million.

He ought to be ashamed of himself for using a medical disorder as an excuse for being out of shape.  Sure, it seems entirely reasonable for rhabdomyolysis, the extensive breakdown of muscle, to hinder the performance of an athlete.  But, not in this particular occurrence.  As Dr. Lynne P. Yao of the National Kidney Foundation stated, “It doesn't happen in well-conditioned athletes.”  Hence, Haynesworth is not out of shape because of rhabdomyolysis, in fact, he only has rhabdomyolysis because he is out of shape.

He ought to be ashamed of himself for complaining (that’s my job) about his role in accordance with preseason exhibitions.  He thinks he is entitled to be treated with respect regardless of the stipulations.  The stipulation, in this circumstance, is simple.  The stipulation is to practice, that’s all.  Practice.  But he doesn’t practice, he can’t practice, he has a “medical disorder.”  He has “rhabdomyolysis.”  (Yeah, sure, and I have “uromysitisis.”)  As Washington Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan stated, “If he's going to play [in the preseason], he's going to practice.”

He ought to be ashamed of himself for repeatedly flunking a rather comfy conditioning test.  The test, which was comprised of two 300-yard shuttles, was described by Shanahan as “Very minimal.  Most players could do it in their sleep.”  James Fallows, a national correspondent for The Atlantic, didn’t do it in his sleep, but he did do it at the age of 61; merely, to prove a point.  The point being, Albert Haynesworth is pathetically shameless.

He ought to be ashamed of himself for spurning the Redskins’ 3-4 defensive scheme.  It’s blatantly apparent as to why he has such animosity towards the scheme: selfishness.  For, he has publicly preached of his desire to be a playmaker.  Playmaker?  Michael Irvin is “The Playmaker.”  Albert Haynesworth is a 350-pound defensive lineman.  And he is the recipient of a $100 million contract, who accordingly, should do whatever is requested of him.  Darnell Docket, a 3-4 defensive lineman for the Arizona Cardinals stated, “For a $100 million my ass will play 4-3, 3-4, 5-9, 4-8 and still whip ass!”

He ought to be ashamed of himself for spurning the Redskins’ 4-3 defensive scheme.  Seems repetitive, does it not?  Well, that’s because Haynesworth’s antics are repetitive.  Prior to his current conundrum, just one season ago, he portrayed a similar animosity towards the 4-3 system of defensive coordinator Greg Blache.  But it’s hardly a coincidence, both temper tantrums transpired after he received his $100 million contract.  It’s almost comical, to be quite honest.  If he’s not willing to play in the 4-3 and if he’s not willing to play in the 3-4, what is he willing to do?  What?

He ought to be ashamed of himself for infamously stomping on Andre Gurode’s face:

Gurode, a center for the Dallas Cowboys, had to bear the brunt of a 350-pound behemoth wearing cleats.  Those cleats, affixed to that behemoth, disfigured Gurode’s face to such an extent that he needed 30 stitches just to sustain the scourge.

He ought to be ashamed of himself for essentially winning the dirtiest player in the league award.  According to a SI poll, taken by 296 NFL players, Haynesworth placed second (as Hines Ward took home the gold).

He ought to be ashamed of himself for infuriating his own teammates.  I suppose it’s somewhat valid for opposing players to despise him, but his own teammates?  Invalid.  Phillip Daniels stated, “Everybody feels he turned his back on us.”  London Fletcher stated, “He made very selfish decisions.”  And Casey Rabach stated, “He’s hurting the team.”

He ought to be ashamed of himself for neglecting the welfare of his children.  He refused to abide by the terms of a parenting plan set forth by the Williamson County Court in Tennessee.  Really?  His own children? 

He ought to be ashamed of himself for abandoning Silvia Mena after he impregnated her.  Mena is Haynesworth’s former girlfriend; more appertaining to the discussion at hand, she is a stripper.  Why would he even have a relationship with a stripper?  Why would he even impregnate a stripper?  Why?  An absence of shame, that’s precisely why.

He ought to be ashamed of himself for reneging on a commercial loan agreement of $2.3 million.  He declined to compensate Clayton Bank & Trust for the $2.3 million he borrowed.  $2.3 million?  The guy signed a $100 million contract!

He ought to be ashamed of himself for confining Corey Edmonson to a wheelchair.  “Accidentally,” on Interstate 65, Haynesworth’s Ferrari 599GTB propelled Edmonson’s Grand Marquis into a concrete barrier.  Edmonson, victimized by Haynesworth’s reckless driving, is in a current state of physical disrepair, as he is unable to walk.  Despite the monstrosity, Edmonson stated, “He’s still my favorite player, [but] I’m upset that he has not visited, called or sent a card.”

Albert Haynesworth ought to be ashamed of himself.

He ought to be ashamed of himself for not feeling shame.

He ought to be ashamed of himself for…being himself.

Shame is a feeling of remorse.  It is a natural inclination.  It is a censor of stupidity.

And Albert Haynesworth is absent of it.

As Jerry Seinfeld would say, “That’s a shame.”